'The Courage to Be Disliked'

When you walk into a therapist’s office, there are typically two chairs, one for the therapist and one for the client. 

In the past, there was just one, and a long couch. The rearrangement of chairs is the work of Dr. Alfred Adler, an Austrian doctor who specialized in psychotherapy and founded a school of individual psychology. 

Many would refer to Adler as a student of Freud, but he never was. Adler retained a lifelong admiration for Freud’s ideas on dreams and credited him with creating a scientific approach to their clinical utilization.

Nevertheless, even regarding dream interpretation, Adler had his own theories and methods. The primary differences between Adler and Freud centered on Adler’s contention that the social realm (exteriority) is as important to psychology as is the internal realm (interiority).

In 2018, authors Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koag, published “The Courage To Be Disliked,” a book based on the works of Adler. 

It has sold over 3.5 million copies worldwide and impacted many. The reader is taken on a journey through five nights as a narrative teaching plan with a young student and philosopher extolling the work of Adler. 

Adler's philosophy is that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. To live a happy life, we must be able to accept ourselves as we are and accept others as they are.

Night 1: Deny Trauma. The most controversial part of the book, as Adler states, "No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead, we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining." Adlerian psychology believes traumatic experiences do happen, we give meaning in determining how those past experiences influence our present and future decisions.

Night 2: Learn to love yourself. We have an inner voice taking over our life, reminding us we are not worthy, we have shortcomings and can’t break through. Adler states: Loneliness doesn't come from being all alone, but rather the feeling of exclusion of your community and the people that surround you. When we handle our interpersonal relationship, we excel.

Night 3: Remove other people’s expectations. Adler believes we should discard the need to seek recognition from others. When we are consumed with others recognition, we lead a challenging life. 

Night 4: Think beyond yourself. Creating a sense of belonging can only occur when we believe that life is bigger than ourselves. Helping our community, our world, the universe, one day at a time. The power of one to give, gives back freedom in life. 

Night 5: Don’t judge others, good or bad. Adler wants us to view others as equals, not above or below, and carry respect for each. When we give false praise to be liked, or judge others wrongly, we develop an unhealthy habit, which can hinder our interpersonal skills. 

Adler believes: “The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness.” 

If we follow these five principles, we can become the person who has the courage to be happy. 

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